“I’m giving this to you God. I turn the whole situation over to you. Except, I’m just gonna pick it back up again for a quick second. I’m not gonna carry it I swear, I’m just gonna hold it. Actually, now that I have it back in my hand before I hand it over can I just ask, what are you gonna do with it? Are you gonna do that thing I feel like you’re gonna do? Cause I don’t like that. I don’t want that. So if that’s what you’re gonna do I’ll just hold onto it for a little while longer.”
How do you do the thing you have to do when what you have to do is going to give you pain? Oh hi, welcome to the winter of my emotional mess (that’s a play on a famous phrase; bonus points if you guess the original.) But seriously, it takes a certain kind of strength to knowingly put yourself in a place that could be hard for you. A strength I’m not sure that I have. A strength that I think you don’t know you have until you do it. So waiting for the strength to come before you move is futile. But yet here I sit…
For a different answer?
For God to give me the option of not letting go?
I’m waiting for God to show me what he will fill me with after I let go.
I’m all for a trade Lord but first let me see what you’re holding.
But see here’s the thing…I don’t think that’s how it works. I don’t think God is in the habit of giving me his best when I’m still holding on to my best. I have a sneaking suspicion that he needs empty hands to fill. Why? Because that’s real trust. Oh sure I can say “I trust you Lord. I trust you with every area of my life.” Saying the words are easy. But actually letting go of something you really want when you don’t know what’s coming next? That’s a whole different level of trust. That’s me saying “Lord I think this thing I hold in my hands is the best I could have. It’s what I want. I thought it was right. But you want me to let go. So I’m letting go of my best and trusting you to replace it with your best; before I even know what that “best” looks like.”
That is a boss level of trust. It’s a level I have not yet reached. But I’m determined to get there. Maybe success lies in not seeing my hands as empty when I do finally let go. Maybe success lies in knowing that the moment I empty my hands, the Holy Spirit comes along and puts his hands in mine. And he leads me to where I’m going next. He takes me to God’s best.
I don’t have a nice simple way to wrap this up. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and still have a problem letting go. Maybe this doesn’t need a simple wrap up. Because letting go isn’t simple. It’s a process. I think this is part of that process. The holding on tighter than I ever have before. One last major grasp before I finally open my hands and say…
“Here I am Lord…fill me”