It’s become a bit of a tradition for me to sit down around my birthday and write some things out. Two years ago the thoughts were a bit sad and messy, but I found true healing in writing them. A year ago the thoughts were happier and more hopeful. (You can check out both here and here). And now we arrive again. Another March 19 has come and gone. And here I sit with thoughts swirling in my head.
On this March 19 what am I thankful for? What do I wish for? What do I look forward to in anticipation?
My wishes and thanks go hand in hand. I am grateful for the little things. The books I’ve loved. The music that has spoken to me. The sound of the waves hitting the sand on the Jersey shore. I am more thankful than ever for my friends and family. For their love. For their support. For their understanding
I am grateful beyond belief for healthy conflict. Yes…really. I used to be afraid of things falling apart. On this March 19 I know more than ever that sometimes things have to fall apart to be made whole and beautiful again. Death and resurrection. Death and resurrection. An endless cycle. Instead of being exhausted by the cycle I’m trying to revel in it. When the darkness of the tomb closes in I remember the light is coming. This is just act one.
I wish. I hope. I pray.
Sometimes I wish for the easiness of days past
But more often, I find myself hoping in the promise of a blessed future.
I pray for the Spirit to hold me close and whisper in my ear when I get tired
“You’ve got this. My power is made perfect in your weakness. Let’s go”
On this March 19th I can still feel myself wondering what comes next. How will I move forward in my career? My relationships? My calling before the Lord?
On this March 19th I remind myself of how I get to what comes next. Grace for the moment. Manna for today. I don’t have the strength for tomorrow because tomorrow isn’t here yet. What is in front of me today?
On this March 19th I resolve to do the thing that is front of me and do it well. I will press on toward the goal and run my race. I see that even now God is doing a new thing. I won’t ask him to take me back to the old and familiar. I’ll trust him and let him stretch me.
On this March 19th I will hold the memories of the past year close to my heart. It was a year of tremendous joy, deepening friendships and memories that will last a lifetime. It was also a year with stress, pain, conflict and memories I wish I could banish from my mind. But, I won’t wish that anymore. Instead, I’ll hold both parts of that year in my spirit and I’ll be thankful for them. They have combined to make me who I am on this March 19th. An eshet chayil. A woman of valor ready to take on what lies ahead with anticipation and hope. We’ve only just begun.